The Rights of Parents in Islam (Birr al-Walidayn)

📖 20 min read

Many of us have experienced a moment we did not expect. We watch our father get up from a chair, a little more slowly than before. We notice our mother repeating a story she told just yesterday. Suddenly, we realise the roles are beginning to reverse: those who carried us, fed us and watched over us when we were vulnerable are starting to need us. This is precisely the moment the Quran describes with striking tenderness — ‘if one or both of them reach old age in your care’ — and it is at this moment that it asks us to rise to the occasion.

In Islam, kindness to parents has a name: birr al-walidayn. It is more than family courtesy: it is an act of worship, placed by Allah immediately after His own right to be worshipped. This article explores its foundations in the Quran and Sunnah, how the rights of parents in Islam apply in everyday life, the mother’s special place, and more delicate questions: how far obedience extends, what to do if your parents are not Muslim or the relationship is difficult, and how to continue honouring them after their death. It is the natural counterpart to parents’ duties towards their children, which we discussed in our article on raising children in Islam.

1. What is birr al-walidayn?

The word birr (بِرّ) in Arabic denotes abundant kindness, piety and generosity in doing good. Thus, birr al-walidayn means kindness towards both parents (al-walidayn): treating them gently, obeying them in what is right, serving them, meeting their needs and avoiding anything that could hurt them. Its opposite also has a name: ‘uquq (عقوق), ingratitude and disobedience towards parents, which the Sunnah counts among the greatest sins.

What is striking in the Quran is the importance Allah gives to this duty. On several occasions, kindness to parents is mentioned immediately after the command to worship Allah alone , including in Surahs Al-Baqara (2:83), An-Nisa (4:36), Al-An’am (6:151) and Al-Isra (17:23). Scholars have drawn a clear lesson from this: after Allah’s right, no human right is greater than that of parents. Allah is the One who created us; our parents are the immediate means through which we came into existence and the ones who raised us.

2. What the Quran asks of us towards our parents

The most comprehensive passage on this subject is in Surah Al-Isra. It deserves to be read slowly, because every word offers guidance for our conduct:

What these verses mean in practice: the word rendered as ‘Uff!’ is uff (أُفّ), a simple expression of irritation, almost a sigh. Commentators have drawn a strong conclusion: if even this small sound is forbidden, then anything more hurtful — raising your voice, rolling your eyes, slamming a door or answering contemptuously — is all the more forbidden. The verse also mentions old age because it is a time when patience is tested most: parents become slower, sometimes more demanding, and this is when kindness takes on its full value. Finally, ‘lowering the wing of humility’ is an image: like a bird folding its wing over its young, the grown child becomes gentle and humble before their parents, out of mercy rather than compulsion.

The Quran also reminds us why this debt is so great by recalling what a mother has endured. In Surah Al-Ahqaf, Allah says that the mother carried the child ‘with hardship’, gave birth ‘with hardship’, and that pregnancy and weaning last thirty months (46:15). The verse continues with a supplication the believer makes on reaching maturity: ‘My Lord, inspire me to be grateful for the blessings You have bestowed on me and on my parents.’

3. The virtues of birr in the Sunnah

The Companion ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud رضي الله عنه once asked the Prophet ﷺ which deed Allah loved most. The answer gives kindness to parents a rank many people would not expect:

‘Prayer performed at its proper time.’ — ‘Then what?’ — ‘Kindness to parents.’ — ‘Then what?’ — ‘Fighting in the path of Allah.’

— Narrated by Al-Bukhari (no. 527) and Muslim (no. 85), from ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ud رضي الله عنه

What this hadith means in practice: kindness to parents comes here before jihad, despite its being one of the most highly regarded deeds among the Companions. Another incident confirms this: a man came to ask the Prophet ﷺ for permission to go and fight. The Prophet ﷺ asked, ‘Are your parents alive?’ He answered yes. ‘Then devote your striving (jihad) to them.’ (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, no. 3004, and Muslim, no. 2549, from ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr رضي الله عنهما.) Caring for your parents is therefore not a ‘secondary’ activity that comes after great causes: it is itself a great cause.

Two other Prophetic sayings emphasise this connection between parents and Allah’s pleasure:

‘The father is the middle gate of Paradise. If you wish, let that gate be lost, or preserve it.’

— Narrated by At-Tirmidhi (no. 1900), from Abu ad-Darda’ رضي الله عنه — Graded hasan

‘The Lord’s pleasure lies in the father’s pleasure, and the Lord’s anger lies in the father’s anger.’

— Narrated by At-Tirmidhi (no. 1899), from ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr رضي الله عنهما — Authenticated by Al-Albani (hasan, As-Silsila as-Sahiha no. 516)

A clarification about authenticity: At-Tirmidhi notes that most transmitters report this second hadith as a statement of the Companion ‘Abdullah ibn ‘Amr himself (mawquf), with only one reliable narrator attributing it to the Prophet ﷺ. Al-Albani nevertheless accepted it as a Prophetic saying in a version that mentions ‘both parents’. Its meaning, in any case, agrees with the Quranic verses cited above. It clearly concerns parents’ justified anger: a parent cannot make unlawful what Allah has permitted, or vice versa (see section 7).

4. ‘Your mother, then your mother, then your mother’

Although both parents have immense rights, the Sunnah gives the mother a special priority. This hadith is well known, and its deliberate repetition is itself a lesson:

A man came to the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and asked, ‘Who among people most deserves my kind companionship?’ He answered, ‘Your mother.’ — ‘Then who?’ — ‘Your mother.’ — ‘Then who?’ — ‘Your mother.’ — ‘Then who?’ — ‘Then your father.’

— Narrated by Al-Bukhari (no. 5971) and Muslim (no. 2548), from Abu Hurayra رضي الله عنه

What this hadith means in practice: scholars explain this threefold mention through the three hardships the mother alone experiences: pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding — what the Quran describes as ‘hardship upon hardship’ (31:14). This does not diminish the father’s rights in any way. It means that when two requests conflict, or when you cannot do everything, the mother takes priority in gentleness, service and companionship.

Similarly, a man named Jahima رضي الله عنه came to consult the Prophet ﷺ about an expedition. The Prophet ﷺ asked whether he had a mother, then told him, ‘Stay with her, for Paradise is beneath her feet.’ (Narrated by An-Nasa’i, no. 3104, from Mu’awiya ibn Jahima, from his father — Graded authentic.)

5. Parents’ practical rights in everyday life

Birr is not an abstract feeling: it takes shape in specific actions. Drawing on the Quran and Sunnah, scholars have identified several rights that parents have over their children:

The hadith about insults is especially relevant today. In a culture where people readily mock someone else’s mother, online or in the school playground, the Prophet ﷺ reminds us that these words come back to those we love most.

6. Supplicating to Allah for your parents

The Quran does more than command kindness: it also gives us the words to say. The first supplication is the one we read in Surah Al-Isra: ‘Rabbi irhamhumâ kamâ rabbayânî saghîrâ’ — ‘My Lord, have mercy on them both, as they raised me when I was small’ (17:24). The second is the supplication of the Prophet Ibrahim عليه السلام:

What these supplications mean in practice: the words ‘as they raised me when I was small’ are an exercise in remembrance. They make us recall the sleepless nights, sacrifices and worries we never saw. Making a habit of reciting these two supplications, for example after every prayer, is one of the simplest and most consistent acts of birr — and it remains possible even for someone whose parents live far away or have already passed on.

7. The limits of obedience and difficult situations

Birr is immensely important, but it is not without limits. The Quran itself sets the boundary, immediately after recalling what the mother has endured:

What this verse means in practice: it contains two rules at once. First, you do not obey your parents when they order you to disobey Allah. The Prophet ﷺ made this a general principle: ‘There is no obedience in disobedience to Allah; obedience is only in what is right’ (narrated by Al-Bukhari, no. 7257, and Muslim, no. 1840, from ‘Ali ibn Abi Talib رضي الله عنه). Second, and just as importantly: even in this situation, the verse asks you to keep their company ‘with kindness’. Refusing an order does not justify cutting ties or treating them with contempt.

Parents who are not Muslim

This is a common situation for converts. The Sunnah’s answer is unambiguous. Asma’ bint Abi Bakr رضي الله عنهما relates that her mother, who was not Muslim, visited her hoping to receive something from her. She asked the Prophet ﷺ whether she should maintain ties with her. He replied, ‘Yes, maintain ties with your mother.’ (Narrated by Al-Bukhari, no. 2620, and Muslim, no. 1003.) A difference in religion therefore does not remove parents’ rights to kindness, respect and financial support.

Harsh, unjust or hurtful parents

Not every family relationship resembles the ideal examples. Some parents are unjust, quick-tempered or excessively demanding, or were hurtful during childhood. Birr remains a duty because it is Allah’s command, rather than a reward for their behaviour. But we must be clear about what it does not mean.

8. Mistreating parents: a major sin

While kindness to parents opens the gates of Paradise, its opposite carries a stern warning. The Prophet ﷺ once asked his Companions three times, ‘Shall I tell you about the greatest of the major sins?’ He then mentioned, first, associating partners with Allah (shirk), second, mistreating parents (‘uquq al-walidayn), then false testimony (narrated by Al-Bukhari, no. 5976, and Muslim, no. 87, from Abu Bakra رضي الله عنه).

‘May his nose be rubbed in the dust, then may his nose be rubbed in the dust, then may his nose be rubbed in the dust!’ He was asked, ‘Who, O Messenger of Allah?’ He replied, ‘Someone whose parents, one or both, reach old age in his care, yet he does not enter Paradise.’

— Narrated by Muslim (no. 2551), from Abu Hurayra رضي الله عنه

What this hadith means in practice: the expression ‘may his nose be rubbed in the dust’ conveys humiliation and loss. Why such severity? Because elderly parents offer an almost daily opportunity to earn Paradise: a visit, a service, gentle words or patience. To have this gate open before you for years and fail to pass through it is an immense loss. Seen from the other direction, this hadith is also wonderful news for someone whose parents are still alive.

9. Honouring your parents after their death

Our bond with our parents does not end when they die. For someone who has lost a father or mother and sometimes regrets not having done enough, the Sunnah opens several doors:

‘When a person dies, their deeds come to an end except for three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, or a righteous child who supplicates to Allah for them.’

— Narrated by Muslim (no. 1631), from Abu Hurayra رضي الله عنه

Note: a frequently quoted hadith lists these forms of kindness after death: supplicating for parents, asking forgiveness for them, fulfilling their commitments, maintaining family ties through them and honouring their friends. It is narrated by Abu Dawud (no. 5142), from Abu Usayd Malik ibn Rabi’a رضي الله عنه, but Al-Albani graded it weak. The practices it mentions are nevertheless supported by the authentic texts cited above.

10. It is never too late to begin

Perhaps you are reading this article with an ache in your heart: an ongoing argument, years of distance, words you regret. The door is not closed. As long as your parents are alive, every day is an opportunity to begin again; if they have passed away, supplication and charity continue to benefit them. Here are some simple steps you can take today:

❓ Frequently asked questions

Sources and references